| March 15, 2008
You are welcome to reflect on this message
In Charles Shultz’ cartoon strip, I love the action between Charlie Brown and his good friend Lucy. Charlie’s poor-mouthing: “I don’t have any friends.” Lucy says, “Define friend.” “A friend is someone who wants to watch the same TV program as you.” “A friend is someone who can’t stand the same music you can’t stand.” “A friend is someone who sticks up for you when you’re not there.” Hearing enough, Lucy breaks in: “You try too hard Charlie Brown. Be like me, I don’t need any friends. I’m self-sufficient.” “Not me, I need all the friends I can get. I’d even settle for a fair-weather friend.” Lucy walks away, “Poor Charlie Brown, he really should be like me. I don’t care if I have any friends or not ... as long as I’m popular!”
Th Gospel of Mark has Jesus saying something that could only be said to a good friend: “Get Thee behind me Satan.” Good ol’ KJV, sounds so holy. I think it’s more like: “Get the hell outa my way!” Strong words from Jesus. But because of his strong relationship with his friend Peter, he could say it and get away with it. Jesus called Peter a bad word – “The adversary.” Peter took a hit after expressing genuine concern for his friend’s well-being. Jesus withdrew from the crowds to Caesarea-Philippi to see how much his disciples had been getting what he was teaching. They were a little slow. So this intake about his identity. He’d been hinting about it for some time, but it just wasn’t getting through.
Jesus didn’t think they knew who he was. So he let the cat out of the bag: if he keeps being who he is, living the way he does, saying the things he says, challenging the powers-that-be; the logical outcome of his kind of existence in this kind of world, is suffering and eventually death. And not from old-age. Jesus is telling his friends he’s gonna get wasted. His hunch about them was right, because that wasn’t even on their radar screen. Nor did that part about him rising again on the third day. They didn’t get that either. They couldn’t get past Jesus predicting his own demise. “Uh Jesus, look. Can we talk alone, just the two of us?” So this exchange began when Peter took Jesus aside and chided him. I repeat: Peter, the disciple is rebuking Jesus, the Master; not the other way around. Peter knew Jesus could take it. They were close enough that they could light into each other, when one got out of line: “Why are you saying stuff like that? You need to lighten up, man. Nothing good can come of it. And it only disheartens the others.” And Jesus says “Aw shut up Pete! You’re missing the point.” I just love watching these two go at it. Jesus and Peter had a special relationship. They could fight and argue with the best of them, as close friends do. You can sense the heat, but also the affection in this exchange. They cared about one another enough to call each other out.
We have such a shallow understanding of friendship. Mostly it is based on mutual agreement. Or let-me-do-anything-I-want and still love me. But the best friends we can have are those who care enough about us to make us mad! “Oh we’re such good friends. I can tell him anything and no matter what he accepts me completely.” Sounds egalitarian, but it’s not saying much. It doesn’t take much stamina to listen to somebody and nod in agreement. There’s a lot of difference between being friendly and being a friend. One day it dawned on me, that my best friends are those I can fight with, and still be friends. Those who stand up to me, and tell me what they really think, whether we agree or not. The worst ones are those who withdraw. Friendship is based on guts and honesty not agreement. Having the courage “to speak the truth in love.” A friend is open, doesn’t keep secrets. Peter pulled Jesus aside to give him a piece of his mind, because he cared about him. And Jesus responded in kind.
Love is not pampering somebody; letting people get away with something. The avoidance of conflict is not growth-producing. It only creates an unhealthy co-dependency. Unconditional approval is not the same as unconditional love. Love entails caring enough to struggle, to ask hard questions and occasionally to admonish. Just let me have my way. Let me always be right. Tell me how wonderful I am. Well boy hidy, how dull! Only at a “narcissist convention.” When everybody thinks alike, nobody thinks much. You can’t learn anything like that. When’s the last time you changed your mind about something. If you haven’t changed in the last five years you’ve been sinning!
Friendship like that which existed between Jesus and Peter is how God teaches us what our families can’t. Otherwise all we’d need is our families. There’s a song, “It’s a Family Affair.” “One kid turns out to be, somebody who just loves to learn.” “And one kid, turns out to be, somebody you’d just love to burn! It’s a family affair. Mom loves the both of them...” You know how people say we choose our friends, but our families are a given. Not so. We choose our families all the time. Like when we invite a sister for Thanksgiving but not the brother. We stay in close contact with one and every now and then, when we have-to with the other. We didn’t choose to be born, but we choose with whom and how to be in relationship with those among whom we were born. If family members treat you mean, you’ll leave them alone. Friends mostly just happen. Timing, circumstance, chemistry, interests bring us together in ways that override our family of origins.
I have friends that date back to Grammar School days. Good friends that I still keep up with in every church where I was pastor. I didn’t choose them. We were thrust together in the unique pastor/parishoner relationship. Invariably we will see the world differently in many ways: politically or religiously. Occasional arguments are not unusual. That’s how we help each other change and grow. One of the central features of friendship is its voluntary nature. You can't force a friendship. It must be mutual or not at all. You can't predict it, buy it, or sell it. Friendship is one of those surprise gifts that God gives to us. But we have to cultivate it. It doesn’t just happen.
Conversely, a friend is somebody who can be injured by another. Some people are so calloused and guarded, nobody can hurt them. That’s not somebody I’d want for a friend; the easily injured ones who are afraid to bleed. You can’t hurt somebody if you don’t care. Those who refuse to bleed pay a price with no depth of relationships. Simon and Garfunkle have a song “I am a rock, I am an island.” “A rock feels no pain.” It wasn’t that way with Peter and Jesus. They weren’t rocks. They were friends. There could be fireworks, but they could also laugh and joke with one another. Friendship is either found among equals or it makes equals of those it finds.
John may have been “the disciple whom Jesus loved,” and that’s very touching. But I’m a lot more impressed with the scriptural references about Jesus and Peter cussing each other out! It reveals a depth of relationship that few others had with him. In such relational dynamics, there’s always going to be room for a holy rebuke every now and then. You could call it the grace of God. There are many TV shows about how to improve your marriage, how to raise your kids, your dating techniques and manners. Even the Bible gets in on it, Ps 133:1 “How good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in harmony.” It may be good and pleasant but it’s not very real. Our culture worships the romantic and idealistic, but mostly ignores friendship. Where can you learn about how to be a better friend?
The Bible offers that too. Jesus had many friendships and they were not easy-going ones. He was castigated for the company he kept. “A friend of tax collectors.” “He eats with sinners.” Jesus had a much more loyal friend in Mary Magdalene, than the uptight, church-going crowd. He paid his disciples a great compliment, “No longer do I call you servants but friends.” He washed their feet and refused to order them around. A friend is self-giving; responding to another without reference to what’s-in-it-for-me or what-will-it-cost-me? “Greater love hath no man than to lay down your life for your friends.” When the dust settled, Jesus turned to the crowd and spoke a hard truth: “If you would become my followers, deny yourselves, take up your cross and follow me.” How inconvenient! But Peter was one who did that. He couldn’t keep away from him. Mark says “He followed ... from afar,” but at least he was there.
Jesus didn’t select his friends from the cream-of-the-crop or a pool of perfect people. It was imperfect Peter, who later denied his friendship with Jesus 3 times when he found himself alone and in a desperate bind. You know it crushed the big fisherman, as “he went out and wept bitterly.” Yet it was St. Peter who made a comeback and went on to become the “rock upon which Jesus built his church,” that could “stand against the gates of hell.” A “rock,” honed and shaped by a dynamic friendship with One who knew his warts and accepted him anyway.
When I wrote my last book, I sent a copy to my best friend in Ohio. We go back a ways and we’re different. We didn’t vote for the same person, but that’s OK. He still talks to me, when others stopped. But you know, when I had debilitating hip resurfacing, he called me every day. On the inside cover of the book, I wrote: “To John, who agrees with me in nothing, but is my friend in everything.” One of life’s most underestimated treasures is the rich friendship between those who care enough to fight with each other: genuine in praise, caring in criticism; a fine blend of grace and truth.
Proverbs 28:23 says, "He who rebukes a (person) will in the end gain more from him than he who has a flattering tongue." I have to agree with that, even though I don’t like it. In my 50 year friendship with my good wife, it’s the occasional rebuke that most reminds me I am loved.
Pastoral Prayer /3/15/09/
Our spirits are sapped, by problems that overwhelm us for which we have no answers; and joy is a sometime thing, because too many waking hours are anxious ones; living with a sinking feeling that all we once prized is slipping away from us. Restore our faith in this worship, as we are reminded that Thou art never nearer than when our systems quake and our idols crumble. Grant us the grace to envision how faith outlasts the night; that Thy judgments are redemptive; and Thy mercies sure.
We pray for those of us who bear the marks of a culture that's too much with us, as we keep flirting with the gods of our own making. Tune our responses to the massive needs around us, that we may reflect Thy hopeful Spirit, not the shallow apparitions of this age. Teach us the loyalty of friendship, that others will be at ease in our presence, with the ability to laugh at ourselves and our own hearts will be at peace. So shall we have unfailing cause to bless Thy name, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Back |
